Speaking of talking… How open are you with your kids? Seriously how well do you communicate with your kids?

I recently read something that struck a chord with the type of openness I want with my children. It’s advice given to Kevin Hall which he writes about in Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose through the Power of Words. The advice was to early on establish two rules with your kids. “The first was that they could always be friends, no matter what. The second was that they could always talk, no matter what.” Kevin goes on to say the wide-open communication made goal setting a natural progression in his family. He says these goal setting talks produced a pattern of communication that led to “far-reaching, positive results an allowed us to guide an lead our children in their various paths.”

I think the key in this type of communication especially with our children is that empathy I talked about last time. To really get into their shoes and understand what they are saying, how they are feeling.

It would be bad I think to have this open talk policy and have it bite your kids in the butt when they use it to share something displeasing to you. I’ve witnessed this in action. There is no faster way to close the open-talk policy and begin a relationship of distrust — most likely on both sides.

If you decide to have this open-talk policy, I believe you have to allow them to talk without turning what they say against them. It’s one thing to allow them to feel the natural consequences of their actions, but to use what they talk to you about to give them consequences does not allow them to learn on their own. Instead it just gets them mad at you and like I said in the long run closes the door on the openness policy.

Another thing that would close the door on the openness is judgement. If your kids feel judged for what they say whether it’s about how they feel or what they did, they will not feel welcome to be open, be themselves. That’s where the listening with empathy comes in. Try to understand your kids, where they are, on their terms. You can’t do that if you are busy judging it on your terms. Nobody wants to be judged. Do you like it when you feel people judge you? Everybody wants to be understood. You can do that for some of the most important people in your life, your children.

Personally, I want to have an open relationship with my kids. I want to be there to guide them. I’m not entirely sure about the friend policy. I guess that depends on how you describe a friend. If it’s that you hold each other to a higher standard to help each other grow into the best versions of yourselves, like I believe; then yes it could work. If a friend is someone who tells you what you want to hear and supports you no matter what, then I feel better off just being a parent.

I do entirely believe in the openness policy. I think being abel to openly talk with your kids gives you the best chance of guiding and them the best chance of listening and learning.

Now is the best time to start. If you are looking for ideas, it’s easy, just start talking. Talk about how you feel, what’s going on, what your goals are. Ask them about their day, what they are grateful for, what their favorite whatever is. Listen, ask questions. Be curious about your children. Start early. Start now (it’s great if they are young but there’s no time like the present, if they are older). Get to know your kids. They are more than just extensions of you.

Once it gets going you get to see how it changes how they listen to you. You’ll be able to guide them and they will be guidable. Oh I’m so excited for you!

Such a simple thing to say. And yet so hard for some of us.

I’ve been wanting to write a blog about this for quite some time. Why I haven’t, I guess I just haven’t had the impetus… until now.

I recently read a blog by Single Dad Laughing (we’ll call him SDL as he calls himself from here on out), called You Just Broke Your Child, Congratulations. This blog was very passionately written about a parenting event SDL observed and had a poignant feeling about. (I recommend all parents read it as it points out some very powerful advice for dads.)

The quick gist of it is how SDL felt after watching another father belittle his son to the point seemingly brokenness as he cowered along the wall away from his dad in a store. SDL goes on to relay some of his beliefs about how to be a good dad, things you do and say as a good dad. (It really is a thought-provoking blog, so go read it too.)

One thought I had and was reiterated by a friend of mine as she replied “the dad could have witnessed a small moment in a bad day.” Of course. We can’t assume this is the way this particular dad always is with his son. While assuming positive intent, we have to see the possibility this was a one-time, off-day type of event. I mean what one of us parents haven’t hit the limit and reacted badly, even horribly, to our children? I admit I have. Thanks to my occasional outburst my son has learned to slam the door. Thanks goodness we never replaced the mirror on what is now his door, as it would have probably been broken by him too. Yup I’ve had my not to be proud of moments.

Now after having this thought that perhaps this day this dad had hit his limit and it happened to be in public and witness by SDL, reminded me of this topic of apologizing. That would be apologizing… to our children.

I don’t know about you but I don’t remember my parents ever apologizing to me for their bad behavior towards me. Of course now that I’m a parent I can understand the pressure my parents were under. Or that as wonderful as I was as a kid (insert laugh), I couldn’t have been all cookies and cream. But seriously smacking me in the face because I was frustrated about not finding the Koolaid container seems a tad drastic — I mean I had already taken my upset self to be alone in my room. But I digress.

The point I’m trying to make in some crazy, roundabout sort of way is that when we parents f*#@ up we should apologize. Yes, to our children. No, just because we’re the parents does not mean we are right all the time. I am not perfect; you are not perfect; nobody is perfect. It’s downright imperfect to be perfect. That being said I know we all try our best. We do the best we can with the resources we have. Sometimes that best hits a limit and before we know it or can stop it the monster in us takes over. Sometimes it just peaks out. Sometimes it visits for a minute. Sometimes it stays longer. Sometimes we can snatch it and push it back in before it does any damage. And sometimes it gets out of our grasp and goes bizerk before we can catch it again.

Obviously raising kids can be frustrating even when we’re at our best (aka well slept, well fed, healthy, stress-free and loving life). If it didn’t get frustrating they wouldn’t put public service announcements about shaken baby syndrome on popular music stations!

Now if say our 5-year-old runs our toes over with his toy truck, we’d expect him to say sorry. So why wouldn’t we give that same son an apology after we forget our selves and say something untrue and hurtful like, oh I don’t know, “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do, what were you thinking?” or in my case slam doors, which I know upsets my children.

I could see how some parents might feel that apologizing to their child may take away their _________ (insert word that works for you… influence, control, power). I think that’s hogwash! I think it gives us all that. While bringing us back into connection with these little beings we brought into the world, we also gain some extra respect from them for admitting we mess up too. We’ll still be their heros, maybe even more so. Plus look at what it teaches them. (Remember monkey see, monkey do.) Learning to apologize from people who love them unconditionally can be a great thing for them throughout their lives. It teaches them that no body, even authority figures, should get a free pass when losing their temper. It teaches them to take responsibility for their actions. It teaches them humility. It teaches them how to live cohesively with others.

So next time you hit your limit and lose it with your child. After you get that monster back under control, give your child a hug and explain to them what happened without putting the blame on them. Come on your an adult, you are the one who forgot patience and let the monster out of the cage. Admit it, if you were at your best (remember aka well slept, well fed, healthy, stress-free and loving life, etc.) you would not have lost it; your wall would have been further in the distance. After this explaining of sequence of events, take a moment to sincerely apologize and let them know you love them.

“I’m bored.”

Did you read that right? Note: it should be in a whiny, drawn out tone. You’ve heard it before (heck, you’ve probably used it before). Once again, “IIIII’mmmm boooorrrreedd.”

Yup, that’s better. What parent hasn’t heard this before? Especially in this, the hot days of summer vacation. I actually haven’t heard it yet from my kids. I don’t know if it’s because they are inherently good at entertaining themselves whether playing with each other or alone or if it’s simply that I’ve never introduced that word into their vocabulary. They are still young, and we have intentionally given our children the opportunity and freedom to occupy their own time as they would within safe boundaries.

I know it may come one day. After all, just the other day a little friend was over for a play date and since my son was not playing in the manner she wanted (though he was having a good time), I heard her exclaim, “I’m bored.”

Now whenever I hear that I think back to my teenage years when an older, wiser someone close to me—who I actually respected at the time (ie. not my parents)—told me, “boredom is what you make of it.” This statement obviously stuck with me. It made a lot of sense to me. It was my first introduction to choosing how you feel (see the last blog for more about this) but in a more practical manner of finding something to occupy myself.

Boredom is essentially the lack of something to do that you feel is worth doing, right? Well, isn’t there always something you, or your kids, can come up with? Reading, reading, drawing, imaginary play, visualizing, going for a walk/bike ride/drive; there must be something to do.

This statement is probably why the word bored was never introduced into my children’s vocabulary (until this recent play date). As a young adult-to-be, if the feeling of boredom ever entered my mind, I immediately thought, “boredom is what you make of it,” and realized I’m not bored, I just need to look for a different activity to stimulate my mind a bit. It became such a habit in my younger years that I just stopped ever feeling bored, so it’s not in my used vocabulary anymore.

This topic came up not only because of the play date exclamation but also because of a statement Timothy Ferriss makes in The 4-Hour Workweek. He said,

Bear with me. What is the opposite of happiness? Sadness? No. Just as love and hate are two sides of the same coin, so are happiness and sadness. Crying out of happiness is a perfect illustration of this. The opposite of love is indifference, and the opposite of happiness is—here’s the clincher—boredom.

When I read this, it struck me as not only an interesting perspective, but true. It also brings it full circle back to choosing how you feel. (Read … for additional insight). If you can choose to feel happy, boredom becomes, well, out of your vocabulary.

Think about the times when you feel “bored” what else is going on? What can you do differently to feel another emotion which you would rather feel? (Remember: realize how you feel, decide how you want to feel, then do that feeling. Fake it ‘til you make it, if you have to. — And buy my book that goes through this process for children!) Are you being an example of “bored” to your kids? How can you be an example of happy or contentment or even just being?

Sometimes when I feel best is when I’m just being. Nothing much important is going on, if boredom were in my vocabulary, it could set in, if I so chose. Instead I just sit with the “nothingness”, allow what is happening or in some cases not happening to just be while I just am in it. Magic seems to happen in those moments. Really when I think about it, magic never fails to happen in those just being moments.

So my advice for when boredom strikes you or your kids this summer vacation, remember “boredom is what you make of it.” Choose to just be, notice the magic in the moment and happiness will be sure to follow.

Happy summer time! I can already feel the magic stirring. It’s so exciting.

It’s been raining all day (actually for three days straight, so NOT like Colorado). My head has been pounding for hours. My kids have had a day of not listening to me. All I want to do is go to bed. But I find myself deciding that making a sign is way more important.

The sign is of the first incantation I’ve really taught my kids. I’ve had them repeat after me “I am” or “I want” — as in “I want to feel good” — statements for a long time. But this is the first time I really made it into something big!

Do you know what an incantation is? An inCANtation a positive affirmation that you repeat with massive emotional energy and intensity. (An inCANTation is obviously the negative form that many of us repeat over and over in our heads much to our own dismay.) Do you have any incantations? What do you think your children’s are? Will help make sure their’s are empowering?

After all, the most important thing we can do for our children is help them install positive, empowering beliefs about the world and more importantly about themselves. As Shelly Lefkoe, parenting expert and author of Guide to Effective Parenting, pointed out when asked what she did for a job (while she was raising kids):

“I’m a professional mother.”

Boy did that get their attention.

“What do you mean?” they’d ask.

“I am responsible for the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well being and development of a human being,” I’d reply.

Yes, our job as parents entails a lot; laundry, meals, cleaning, general bathing and dressing of children, etc. But really our job, our real job is providing and developing the well-being in every way for a human being.

What do you think is the factor that most impacts their future happiness and success? Yup, their beliefs. Sure a happy childhood full of fun memories is great; knowing they are loved beyond measure is priceless. But what really matters to their grown-up futures is what meaning they give things and what beliefs they form based on those meanings.

So tonight when my son began crying after the kids and I played a matching game which he lost (he almost always wins), I took it as an opportunity to teach him more than just to not be a sore loser. I mean he was really upset. He must have put some sort of horrible meaning to losing a game. So I asked him what it meant to him. He didn’t seem to be able to put words to it so I gave him a multiple choice question to answer. He picked b. “I’m not good enough.” Not too surprising it’s one of those fundamental fears we all have.

I started trying to get him to repeat after me, “I am good enough.” But, well, frankly, that wasn’t good enough. And he definitely wasn’t feelin’ it. I went through my three steps to happy — stop, snap, smile. (The smile my daughter gives on cue is just so darn cute.) But he wasn’t feelin’ that either. I needed to do more.

I resorted to drastic measures. I tickled him until he smiled. Always works… like a charm. I got the both of them to repeat after me “I am the best me I can be.” Oh I’m sorry mama, still not good enough. Everybody up! (We already had the tunes going as we were dancing earlier.) Using gestures, pointing to self at “I”, “me” and “I” again and throwing the hands up in triumph at “best” and “can be.” That’s getting better. To the beat now and loud, no I mean, LOUD! Over and over again dancing all the way to the bathroom for shower. Yup, a good first incantation!

So after they went to bed I made the sign you see in the picture. I know it would have been nice for them to help make it but this way I get to surprise them when they wake up by turning on the music, taking them to the sign and incanting first thing in the morning! I love it! I’m excited! Score one for the good mommy!